For the past week, I’ve been reading the bible and it’s all starting to make sense. For the first time in my life I turned my life over to God, and let him take hold of it. Tonight, after a stressful day, I sat in my driveway for ten minutes, or more, I don’t know how long it was because I was trying to resist the urge to go get fast food (taco bell). I wasn’t doing so well on my own, and that’s when I opened my bible app and started reading scripture. This feeling of ease came over me as I made a healthier decision to go get a chicken wrap from tropical smoothie. Yes, it is a ton healthier then the alternative, but for me it wasn’t about the food so much as it was the shifting in my life, and my mind as I let God guide me. He knew what I needed, and he knew that my flesh was weak, and when I finally submitted to him fully, he helped me. Although most of you will say his guiding hands were on me the whole time. It wasn’t easy getting to this point, but I’m proud of the road I took to arrive here. Below is a brief description of how I ended up here tonight.
Over the last three years plus, I’ve been on a spiritual journey because I was devastated by the loss of a friend, or so I thought that was the reason why my spiritual journey took me through every religion from Christianity to Norse Paganism. The truth is, I was angry. Angry at whom you might ask……. Well the answer seems simple now, but it wasn’t always that simple. You see, in 2014 I left the Army a very broken down man. My body was one that I didn’t recognize, and my mind was broken. I was angry at my leadership for their lack of help in handling my issues with suicide, and depression (they denied me, and my mental health team a 6 week in house treatment plan for PTSD). I didn’t love putting on my uniform anymore, and the only person I ever let get close to me during my time in the Army was killed in combat a year prior to my exit. During my spiritual journey, I found beautiful religions like Hinduism, Buddhism, and a many other that deal with meditation and peace. It also led me down a very dark path as I learned how the Catholic church forced my ancestors to abandoned their traditions and religions. As many of you whom lack true faith, like myself I was searching for answers to the world. The ones that science can’t truly answer, but faith does (if you believe). Who was I angry at. I was angry at ME the “Christian”. I never truly put my life in Gods hands as I should have, and for that my faith was as hollow as a Twinkie without the cream filling. I was going through life like many people I see today who call themselves “Christians”. We all know them, they check in on social media when they go to church, ask for the world to pray for them when they need something in life (but not for others), or they post those corny memes that say “pray” for (insert countries name here). Yes, that was me, a hollowed out social media “Christian”. So, you might notice that I was mad at them too. I looked around at these churches, and the so called “Christians”, who pack them in on Sundays, and I saw way too many people worshiping the Church, and not God. But who am I to judge you might ask yourself because after all I am one those who I speak of. Truth is, I wasn’t judging, it was another notch in the belt for me to turn further away from God, and modern day Christianity. Heck, I even have a friend who told me that the Old Testament doesn’t matter anymore, that it’s not applicable to today’s society. Is this what church is teaching everyone today? If so, God is going to be very angry with those who believe it. In my opinion, Jesus drying on the Cross didn’t wipe away any Old Testament scripture. Let me take you back in time to about a year and a half ago to a little experience I had that I used to assist me in my decent from God.
Around a year and a half ago I was in bible study at Florida State College at Jacksonville that I attended every week after my intro to Religion course. One day we were reading a scripture from Paul, or about Paul, I can’t remember exactly. First, let me say this, I’ve never felt a connection from the bible, and that day, in that room, on a college campus, God came off those pages and grabbed me by the neck. I couldn’t move, every bone in my body was glued to that chair, and I could barely get a response out of my mouth in reply to the Pastors/ Professors questions, but they knew what was going on. God spoke to me through scripture in that room, and after bible study I was still shaken, and could barely speak (y’all know I’m never at a loss for words). After that day, I ran as fast as I could to tell everyone on social media about it. To let them know God spoke to me, but I never fully took it in. Instead I turned away from God, and I let all my anger with whatever I was going through in life be my escape goat. I ran as hard, and as fast as I could to get away from God. Why was he speaking to me? Why was I so important? What did I do, to deserve to be shaken to my core? Was he wanting me for some higher purpose in life? All of this ran through my head, and through, and through, and through until I no longer thought about it. It was that day that I should have grown closer to God, but instead, I grew much further from God. I’m not publishing this now to say that I am in way shape or form ever going to be a “Christian” because I look around today and I can’t believe the dismay I see with that group of people as they use Jesus as an escape goat into sinning.
I’m at a path in my life where I wanted to share this with as many people as I could, and that’s why I decided to post it to Facebook, and my blog. I won’t ever go back to being a “Social Media Christian” again. Today I choose a path that God has set for me because my path wasn’t working. As my walk with God continues I am sure my page will change, but I can promise you this…. I WILL NOT try to recruit you to my God, and I don’t care if you’re an Atheist. Be who you want to be, and walk with whatever God you choose to walk with